
Happy Father's Day, Daddo.
These are all original works, personal thoughts, writings, photographs and poetry by Catherine Brandt.

Clare and I discuss ideas that some people have died for. The thought of a perfect world, where one didn’t have to chose between food or gasoline. Eating from your garden. Picking sweet peas and bell peppers and putting them in your salad. Laughing with your best friends. Not having to compete with them for a job that will underpay and overwork you. Revolution is the thing that everyone wants but is so monumental that no one will die for it anymore. All the revolutionaries are dead.
Our three-car garage is filled with artifacts that would either show our love or our contempt for each other. Which artifact would you throw into the dumpster?
I heard that the self-storage industry is doing remarkably well.
Why is it that we cannot enjoy the moment? We either cling desperately to our past or we hurl ourselves into the future.
Why don’t we know ourselves? We fear who we might be, so we refuse to give up who we were or strive to be what we might become.
I found a lump. I thought I was too young, but there it is--quite visible. It is in the shape of contempt. Anger. Indignation. I thought I could easily forgive, but here I am struggling to not yell while throwing red bricks at the blue sky. Four years and you deny it meant anything. A waste of time? I am still reeling from that--from your wall, from your words, from your ability to sweep away what I thought you might have understood, but had hidden. I am currently unable to cope with the way I feel about the way part of me died when I left you. How has anyone coped with such burning anger and unanswered questions? How has anyone found a way to wade through such hurt?
I told Clare that I suppose this is how a tree feels when it has been pared. It must feel very unnatural at first, what with sap running over its bark and all. But I have started to grow. My old heartwood was exposed and now new shoots are beginning to bud. It is Spring, isn’t it?
Some may wonder if my loving him so soon is such a good idea. But, you see, I’m going to offer you a few reasons why it is.
I love who he is. Rough around the edges. Intelligent. Possessing a native intelligence that rivals my own (while I am in my neck of the woods). Strong and confident. Thoughtful and intuitive.
He knows I am still wounded. Yet, he allows me to love. This love is not a salve, it is not a band-aid, it is not a fix-a-flat (though I did once flatline). This love is hope.
I have to hope that I am able to fully love again. And I have to hope that there is someone in this world would can take my love for what I want it to be: a gift, a gem, a wooden heart-shaped puzzle box that I want him to unlock.
Good thing he loves puzzles.
Flecks of light drift through the air between the towering pines. Each branch, every needle is encased in pristine white; My feet stop moving and my heart expands in my chest. I break the silence with laughter because the joy inside me demands manifestation; I am overwhelmed.
Jacob and I are going for the summit of San Jacinto, 10,834ft: the highest peak in Southern California. Our feet are clad in insulated boots and crampons--there is roughly two and a half feet of packed snow, and one foot of fresh powder on top. Jake leads the way (having hiked this trail numerous times) and we follow the boot prints of only a few other crazy hikers. We pass through meadows and up hills, through forests of ponderosa pines that smell so sweet I feel intoxicated. The sights, smells, and sounds are so invigorating that I don’t notice how sore my legs and back feel. Nothing precedes the wonder and awe in which I am joyously drowning.
Jake tells me that John Muir hiked this mountain and had said that, “The view from here is the most sublime in the world.” In the world! If John Muir said it, it must be true, right?
When you are in the mountains you forget about the menial and unnecessary stresses in your life. You are able to focus on the here, the now, the present: this moment, and this moment only. As Jake said, you reach a kind of Zen, a focus and meditation, that would take a Buddhist his entire life to reach. Each step taken is made with purpose and precision. Point being, if you need to find yourself, challenge yourself, or simply re-focus your life, go to the mountains.
This whole snow and ice thing is new to me. Jake had to show me which way to strap on my crampons, which way to hold his ice tool, and a few time-tested ways to walk on steep, icy snow. I worried that I wouldn't enjoy the below-freezing temperatures or the ceaseless incline--but I loved it! I was never hot while hiking, but I wasn't cold, either.
And being surrounded by clean, bright snow gave me a sense of hyper-innocence. Jake and I were both all smiles, all laughter, and filled to the brim; this is what Joni Mitchell must have meant when she said, "I'm going to camp out on the land, I'm going to try and get my soul free."
I could spend any given time outside with a friend, but this... this brings my expectations to a whole new level.
"People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering."
-- St. Augustine