Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Daughter

Father's Day always reminds me how lucky I am to have Dad as my dad. For instance, if Dad weren't my dad, would I be excited to rummage through the owl pellets beneath the owl box up on the hill? A mouse skull here, a gopher skull there, rodent bones, hair, and, look! a feather! A Barl Owl feather, to be precise.


The wild things sustain me. I have found, though, that I have a need to share these wild things with the ones I love.
I follow a road that becomes a trail that becomes a game trail that leads to a sudden drop-off into a canyon. I smell the sage, nibble on buckwheat, and stare back at a sharp-shinned hawk. But there is one man in particular I wish were besides me. He could also identify the plants, the birds, the animals. He is 115 miles away, on his own hike in a canyon behind his house in Joshua Tree.


I smell Pearly Everlasting and look down at my feet. A few pieces lay on the ground and I gather them up, make a bouquet. Next to my toes I find a sun-bleached snail shell with a hole through the center. I cinch the stems of the Pearly Everlasting with the shell and continue walking. What appears to be string is actually coyote melon vines, partially dried in the sun. Round and wound it goes, to finish off my bouquet, which I give to Dad for Father's Day.


I no longer feel the pressure to be someone I am not. I am not ashamed to dissect owl pellets, find scat as informative as a newspaper (and less depressing), and deem a bouquet of dried up wildflowers more intoxicating than any rose. Daddo, thank you for teaching me to be who you taught me to be, confidently, and without need for compromise.



Happy Father's Day, Daddo.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

sleepyhead



There is no real reason for me to be awake right now. I guess I enjoy the silence that this time of night brings; I can only hear the hum of my laptop and the crinkle of leaves under the paws of raccoons just outside my window.

The reality that I won't be working at Julian Jr. High has settled. I'm moving on. I've applied to other jobs, but without all the gung-ho I had for JJH. I must continue to look forward. Until then, I will keep working at Nomad Ventures. Too many of my friends do not have jobs. I know I am fortunate to have one.

Also, just so you know, sometimes I laugh because I have a blog. Fifteen years ago that word didn't exist. Blog.

As for the photograph: I took that (while driving) on my way up to Idyllwild via the 243, just after passing under the 10. I think my camera has an infatuation with train tracks. They're so full of symbology (only a real word if you've seen The Boondock Saints).

It's nearly 1am. I'd best get my sleepface on.

Monday, May 23, 2011

waiting


My friends tell me that I should stay busy while I wait to hear the news. Instead I eat left-over Thai food in bed while reading webcomics.


Clare and I discuss ideas that some people have died for. The thought of a perfect world, where one didn’t have to chose between food or gasoline. Eating from your garden. Picking sweet peas and bell peppers and putting them in your salad. Laughing with your best friends. Not having to compete with them for a job that will underpay and overwork you. Revolution is the thing that everyone wants but is so monumental that no one will die for it anymore. All the revolutionaries are dead.



Our three-car garage is filled with artifacts that would either show our love or our contempt for each other. Which artifact would you throw into the dumpster?



I heard that the self-storage industry is doing remarkably well.

Why is it that we cannot enjoy the moment? We either cling desperately to our past or we hurl ourselves into the future.

Why don’t we know ourselves? We fear who we might be, so we refuse to give up who we were or strive to be what we might become.



I found a lump. I thought I was too young, but there it is--quite visible. It is in the shape of contempt. Anger. Indignation. I thought I could easily forgive, but here I am struggling to not yell while throwing red bricks at the blue sky. Four years and you deny it meant anything. A waste of time? I am still reeling from that--from your wall, from your words, from your ability to sweep away what I thought you might have understood, but had hidden. I am currently unable to cope with the way I feel about the way part of me died when I left you. How has anyone coped with such burning anger and unanswered questions? How has anyone found a way to wade through such hurt?


I told Clare that I suppose this is how a tree feels when it has been pared. It must feel very unnatural at first, what with sap running over its bark and all. But I have started to grow. My old heartwood was exposed and now new shoots are beginning to bud. It is Spring, isn’t it?



Some may wonder if my loving him so soon is such a good idea. But, you see, I’m going to offer you a few reasons why it is.

I love who he is. Rough around the edges. Intelligent. Possessing a native intelligence that rivals my own (while I am in my neck of the woods). Strong and confident. Thoughtful and intuitive.

He knows I am still wounded. Yet, he allows me to love. This love is not a salve, it is not a band-aid, it is not a fix-a-flat (though I did once flatline). This love is hope.

I have to hope that I am able to fully love again. And I have to hope that there is someone in this world would can take my love for what I want it to be: a gift, a gem, a wooden heart-shaped puzzle box that I want him to unlock.

Good thing he loves puzzles.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

San Jacinto


Flecks of light drift through the air between the towering pines. Each branch, every needle is encased in pristine white; My feet stop moving and my heart expands in my chest. I break the silence with laughter because the joy inside me demands manifestation; I am overwhelmed.


Jacob and I are going for the summit of San Jacinto, 10,834ft: the highest peak in Southern California. Our feet are clad in insulated boots and crampons--there is roughly two and a half feet of packed snow, and one foot of fresh powder on top. Jake leads the way (having hiked this trail numerous times) and we follow the boot prints of only a few other crazy hikers. We pass through meadows and up hills, through forests of ponderosa pines that smell so sweet I feel intoxicated. The sights, smells, and sounds are so invigorating that I don’t notice how sore my legs and back feel. Nothing precedes the wonder and awe in which I am joyously drowning.


Jake tells me that John Muir hiked this mountain and had said that, “The view from here is the most sublime in the world.” In the world! If John Muir said it, it must be true, right?


When you are in the mountains you forget about the menial and unnecessary stresses in your life. You are able to focus on the here, the now, the present: this moment, and this moment only. As Jake said, you reach a kind of Zen, a focus and meditation, that would take a Buddhist his entire life to reach. Each step taken is made with purpose and precision. Point being, if you need to find yourself, challenge yourself, or simply re-focus your life, go to the mountains.


This whole snow and ice thing is new to me. Jake had to show me which way to strap on my crampons, which way to hold his ice tool, and a few time-tested ways to walk on steep, icy snow. I worried that I wouldn't enjoy the below-freezing temperatures or the ceaseless incline--but I loved it! I was never hot while hiking, but I wasn't cold, either.


And being surrounded by clean, bright snow gave me a sense of hyper-innocence. Jake and I were both all smiles, all laughter, and filled to the brim; this is what Joni Mitchell must have meant when she said, "I'm going to camp out on the land, I'm going to try and get my soul free."


I could spend any given time outside with a friend, but this... this brings my expectations to a whole new level.





"People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering."

-- St. Augustine

Friday, April 8, 2011

restoration

Having my back thrown out at only 24 years of age is disheartening. The pain, however, gave me a fresh appreciation for my working body. While I waited for my back to heal, I was able to focus on other things on my visit to Joshua Tree. I was unable to climb, but I could cheer on my friends who were able. As they climbed, I took some time to revel in the beauty in which this place is soaked; red adobe buildings crumbling in the sunset, cactus wrens making a lovely racket, and warm, smokey breeze kept me captivated.
Each time I return I feel more connected, more invited, and more at home in Joshua Tree.
I wonder if I will ever have just one place I call "home"?



Thursday, March 31, 2011

allowing It to be


"Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly."
-Franz Kafka

It changes
It rises and falls and shows
Itself as a fog shows the oak trees
It may be unexpected
It may render you down to a feeling of hopelessness
It will always be there to remind you that
It cannot be controlled
It will not be tamed and
It is exactly what you need
It is and
It will continue to be, just as
It has always been

Monday, March 14, 2011

(Courtney Style) Today I...

Today I...

Woke up in Ramona at 6:14am
Drove up to Julian and stopped in at the Julian Coffee House (Lou's)
Quad mocha and a breakfast croissant with sausage
Smile on my face and in my heart as I see my mountains again
4, 5, 6 does and 3 fawns cross the road in front of me
Try to convince Jake via text to come down and climb Stonewall with me
Staff meeting: the Monday grumpies
Staff meeting: I am the peanut gallery
Lisa got a haircut!
New kids, new energy
10 minutes to take my shoes off, lay down on my bed, and relax
Burritos!
3 minutes to crawl up onto a rock and watch the thin clouds drift past
Cabin time with the boys: never giving boys free time again. Structured activities only
Boys + burritos = massive flatulence during cabin time
Camp fire! My voice came back (nearly) enough to sing Boom Chicka Boom
Kids leave. Teachers stay. Enjoying the fire under the ring around the moon.
It's 9:30pm and I am going to bed.