Realization

Realization: I can't make you happy; you can only make yourself happy; you may not think you have the strength to try; if you don't continue to try, I will.... I will...

I don't know what I'll do, but I'll be pissed.

Coming Back

I feel. And I feel my exhaustion like a cloak: a weight I want to shed.

An ache in my bones that seems to call out to be remedied.

Like my car, I need a jump start. Hopefully not a new battery, because I am not sure what that would entail. Cables?

It is too early for this.

Buffalo Sunshine

Originally written Friday, September 15, 2006

Thoughts for a Friday afternoon

An iron buffalo

Contrast to

the animate shepherd dog- pounce!

Take a turn;

lights are green

Here are lines

and asphalt which

demand blood as a sacrifice-

we give it what it needs.

But the sun is shining yet

and birds are wheeling

so are these tires.

Whistles I to the blurred trees.

The bison hasn't moved an inch

I continue my decent

to valleys and deserts

and views of

the sheen of crow wings.

Yellow. Stop. Go.

This is how I go

my thoughts and I

to work

Thoughts for a Friday afternoon.

Blushing Ocotillos

Originally written Sunday, December 21, 2008

I aim for the mountains ahead,

Passing by blood-red Ocotillo blossoms,

Held up against the snowy, white heights,

They become the framework of my thoughts.

They have held back their beauty for years;

The time of the drought is now over.

Miles beyond, the snow whispers to the sky,

Making it blush deep colors.

We all change, we all bend towards

The sun, whatever the season.

With permission granted, I am moving forward.

I am leaving the desert, running like winter

to a land where I am no longer a refugee,

but a woman who can walk in freedom.

Paradigms a Dime a Dozen

Originally written Sunday, February 08, 2009

I think there will be a time when rainbows are not just seen

through our own perspective.

I think we will hit a point where anyone can see what the

other does.

I think we will be able to ride the see-saw of everyone who

is not “me,”

And that is where solid ground will find itself under our

feet

And we will no longer wobble and topple as we fight to find

common ground.

I think we can get there. We just need to open our eyes and

enjoy the weather.

Second to Last Day

Second to last day at Vista High School. Anticipation and bitter-sweet thoughts. Did I do all that I could for them? What did they learn about themselves? It’s never about me, you know. It is about them: the students. They give me an energy in the classroom that I cannot describe. It is better than coffee, more filling than a feast. I have many purposes in life, but they have given me one more; live for them, teach for them, and be there for them. If I can show them but a glimpse of the world and what it would be like without injustice, then I have done my job.

Looking toward the summer, just barely looking up enough to see the horizon, and I am blinded by uncertainty. That is what makes life mysterious, however, and interesting. I crave the Unknown; We only fear the Unknown? I then crave fear, if only to overcome it.

I clench and unclench my fists, feeling my fingernails on my palms. Nails? I need to climb. I need to run. I need to get by body back to where it was before. Selah.

My keyboard has finally been thoroughly broken in and I type seamless sentences. My thoughts, my brain, my words.

Mom and I had a good conversation about my life last night. I spoke my mind, she listened, she didn’t condemn: we are improving.

I feel older. It seems that I am learning life lessons exponentially. I am more aware of myself, more attentive to my actions, words, intentions, and feelings. I am here: now. This is a beautiful day, a timeless moment. May I make the most of it.

My Winter Ensemble (original 10/3/06)

If the winter grew any deeper

or the snow whiter

There I would find

my perfect ensemble

For Old Winter sings

Of times long forgotten

And Lady Snow whispers

of the land she buried

This tune echoes on

within my ears.

The rhythm kept

by the nod of the forest

The melody chimed

by the wind and icicle

Here I sit

I feel my heart will burst

if I do not join in

So I close my lips,

open my heart,

and sing, sing, sing

for all I am worth.

Coffee Dream

I wake this morning
to the faint smell of coffee
and with a mug in my hand.
Somewhere, I am smelling cinnamon.
I sip, eyes closed -- your image before me.
You slide your hands
across my belly, behind my back
to draw me close to you.
Breathing in, falling near,
I lean my head on your shoulder
Your lips press against
my earlobe, brush my neck,
and I smile my way
back to my cup of coffee --
opening my eyes, I do not see you,
but I faintly smell you;
and taste you on my tongue.
For once, I am looking forward
to Christmas this year.

Lurking

I fear the silence that has been growing.
Yet the more I fight, the more it is.
In my words I find no answers lurking
And there you sit, saying no-thing.
In quests you're found, just not here --
You are there and I am not.
Three cheers for the battles you win!
Deeper silence for the battles I've lost.